Opinion The Tattoo

Politics 1996: No Clear Winner


(Writer’s note: This piece is completely non-objective. The views are purely of the writer himself. If you agree, feel free to jump up and down and shout, “WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!”)

BRISTOL, Connecticut, U.S.A. — First, The Democrats: We have, in the left corner, President Bill Clinton! Just call him “Bubba!”

In 1992, he was the ‘change’ man. He defeated foreign-relations champion George Bush on the grounds that he would fix the economy and pay attention to other domestic issues.

Now, in 1996, he has succeeded in doing three things:

  1. Sending troops to Haiti.
  2. Sending troops to Rwanda.
  3. Sending troops to Bosnia.

In the economy, I’ve heard that the Pennsylvania Avenue McDonald’s is doing great business.

We can’t really call refusing to balance the budget positive domestic progress, so…

The Republicans: We have, in the right corner, a whole bunch of guys fighting for a chance at Bubba!

There’s Bob Dole. At 243, he is the oldest of the candidates.

He runs around threatening to smack his opponents with his good arm and saying things like, “Bob Dole is your man for the job. Bob Dole has the best ideas for America. Now he’ll present them to you in a dull monotone. Bob Dole has wanted to be president since 1902 so please, please, please vote for him.”

Unfortunately for Dole, he has a limited vocabulary, which does not include worlds like “I” or “me.”

Failed contender Steve Forbes, however, does use them a lot. People wouldn’t mind him talking about himself, I suppose, if he didn’t look like a dork.

He was running on a platform with two planks:

  1. Instead of a tax situation where the rich avoid paying taxes and the middle class pays an amount proportional to their incomes, he wants a situation where the rich avoid paying taxes and the middle class gives the government all of their money.
  2. He is not a “Washington insider” and has no political experience.

The problem with this second plank is that many people consider this to be a bad thing.

One of these people is Pat Buchanan, a political commentator who is disturbed at the thought of someone who has never held public office running for president.

The thing about Buchanan is the face that he hates everyone. His platform is the possibility that if people vote for him, he might stop screaming at everybody. Of course, he claims he doesn’t really hate everyone, just blacks and Jews and gays and stuff.

Buchanan frequently certifies that he is not a Nazi, once while wearing a white hood and standing before a burning cross. When asked who, then, set the cross on fire, he said, “Hey, that wasn’t me. Those were other guys.”

So, in a nutshell, we have an overweight, waffling president against a boring senator who beat a freaky-looking rich guy and a scary big talker.

Have a ball with this one, voting America! I can’t wait until I’m 18.

Brian LaRue is a Reporter for Youth Journalism International.

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